Classic Glasgow conversation

Was in the gym today in the East (rough) end.  Conversation between two gym members :

Guy with scar on his face : ‘Where’s your partner in crime today?’

<translation : where is your usual training partner>

Fat guy : ‘He was in the motor wi the wife.  I canny be arsed with him.’

<translation : my friend has been promised sex from the wife so he is cancelling the scheduled gym visit>

Fat guy : ‘I canny be arsed with this today.  Ma guts are dodgy.  My ma keeps putting all this olive oil in my food’.

<translation : I am a lazy fat man who still lives at home with his mum.  She’s been feeding me healthy food and I feel sick from saturated fat and sodium withdrawal>

Fat guy : ‘I really wanted to go for a….swim or someink’ 

Guy with scar on his face : ‘where do you go?’

Fat guy : ‘Gorbals’

<translation : the ghetto gym, junkies surround it and the smell of cigarette smoke inside is normal>

Guy with scar on his face : ‘I know a guy who goes there a lot.  He knows the manager so gets in for a couple of quid’

<translation : everything in Glasgow is jobs for the boys or favours for your pals.  As a result, the council owned gym gives out free or cheap admission unofficially to favoured ‘friends’ of the management.  We the tax payer soak up the shortfall>

Fat guy : ‘I like to use the sauna there.  But I’d like an ‘assisted’ sauna today…don’t get paid till the end of the month though’

<translation : I’d like to visit the brothel (sauna) for a bj and a rubdown as soon as finances allow>

Guy with scar on his face : ‘Ha ha ha’

<translation : I was there yesterday getting my nuts fondled>